There were a few hard weeks in the beginning and we were sent home with a bili light bed, but that little girl was a dream baby. She was so sweet and so calm and was heaven for my soul to just hold her and rock her. By this time my oldest was 5 and I had been homeschooling him through kindergarten. Over the course of a few weeks I felt an increasing urgency to put him in public school. I have rarely felt such clear direction and peace about a decision I thought I didn't want to make. After the Christmas break he started kindergarten in the school by our house and then all craziness broke loose inside me. I was suffering from postpartum depression. It hit me so hard and so darkly. Yet, I did not know what it was. I had had hard times, but never like this. I was scared and I felt very alone. I felt broken and sad and hurt and lost. One night, unable to sleep and scared to feel what I was feeling, I wrote on my personal blog about how I was feeling. I poured out my thoughts and feelings in a way I rarely let happen. I felt better and went to bed. The next morning I was flooded with calls and messages from wonderful friends telling me they knew what I was feeling, that I wasn't alone and that I would be okay. Some of them even named it - depression - and I felt like I was going to be alright. Having a name for my feelings took their control over me away. It wasn't better, but it was a step. While I tried to figure out how I was going to move past this, I again revamped my cleaning and organizing system. Instead of printing out the week pages and crossing them off with a pen, I started printing them out on full sheet sticker paper. I would cut these little stickers out and put them in my planner - essentially cutting out the need to write down the things I wanted to do daily, daily. I would print out a month or two at a time and spend some time every few weeks putting my stickers in my planner. It became a way to feel in control about something, when I did not feel in control of anything.
My depression eventually overtook me as I struggled with knowing what to do, trying to help my husband understand, be a mom, buy a second home and move to the second home that was 3 times bigger with 3 times the yard space. Instead of seeking help, I tried to pridefully push through on my own. But God did know my heart and when I found myself again pleading for help and to know where to turn, some amazing women were placed in my life. Between friend therapy sessions and wearing into the carpet some nice knee holes from prayer, I was able to figure some things out and be led to the things that helped me feel whole again. In the spring of 2012, as I was newly pregnant with my 4th child, I wrote out my "system" for planning organizing my life and prefaced it with these words:
I have wanted to write down what is happening at this time of my life and also where I came from and where I’m trying to go.
At the beginning of 2011 I had a complete breakdown. I held it in for several weeks and months and then it all came gushing out. I couldn’t focus, function, or even really move. I felt paralyzed by fear, expectations and life. I was out of control and it took a while to understand why and how to get back to me. A huge part of it was hormonal, as my daughter was only a few months old. However, I looked into probably 15 different things to help me get myself back and found out some things about myself.
I like to plan. I like to know what is happening. There seemed to be a huge trend where I lived that every mom, in talking to other moms, would try to outdo the others in how much they could NOT accomplish. They would compare the messes of their houses and try to win! They would talk about how little they had done with their children or how they had made their husbands come home and cook while they left a messy house, hungry kids, and a tired husband to fend for themselves. It was really frustrating for me, not because I couldn’t do what they were doing, but because I couldn’t really tell them what I was really like. I feel like I can flourish with my system and lifestyle, but how could I tell people that I had a plan to vacuum my baseboards and clean my mini blinds right along with plan a date night with my husband and read with each child every day?? I was feeling suffocated and alone in my pursuit for a happy and fulfilling life. I wanted purpose and direction and I got it by scheduling quality time with my kids and scheduling a time for me to get some personal reading time, learn how to make a new recipe, and write a letter to my grandparents monthly.
Part of my recovery was shutting out people I couldn’t
honestly talk to and being okay with having a very clean house. It’s nothing to
be ashamed of! It’s awesome and it’s how I live a happy life. I have a schedule
that doesn’t rule my every moment, that works for me, and still gives the
appearance of a fairly clean environment, so I like it. I realized that since
my daughter was born I hadn’t done anything more than basic laundry dishes and
pick up. When we moved in September 2011 my house had a few messy spots that I
usually would’ve been paying more attention to. However, I still let my friends
come in and clean my blinds and tell me how clean my house was. I took it a
more of my soul recovery and thanked them for their kindness. It’s okay to take
compliments and it’s okay to be good at things that are important and my family
is important. I feel so very blessed to be able to take care of my family and
plan a life that has very few ‘emergency’ moments where the whole house goes
into survival mode to just get through the next few hours. I like having LOTS
and LOTS of down time for me to enjoy my kids without one bit of guilt or
concern. I like being able to have my husband wear nicely ironed shirts to work
and my kids take a great home-packed meal that I made while being all freshly primped
and put together. I like wearing lipstick in the morning when I kiss my sweetie
goodbye and I like knowing that there’s time enough for my spiritual, mental,
physical, and emotional development and improvement. My system makes it
possible.
That 4th baby around was healing. We came home with a healthy baby and a healthy mom and we were grateful. I still felt that same "nothing ever gets done with a new baby and I'm exhausted all the time" feeling. So, I ran with it. I still had my lists, but I made a deal with myself: Whatever was done by 11:30am - that's all you have to do. I would get up and hit the ground running. I would push through and try to use the few minutes I wasn't nursing or feeding little toddlers or fulfilling "watch me" requests to really get a few things done. On errand day I would run the one or two errands I could fit in and then be content and come home. On cleaning day I would wake up and clean like a mad woman, then feed everybody, and then clean whatever else I could clean. And then, I stopped and the rest of the day was controlled by listening to what I needed and by what my little kids needed from me. By this time I was using an electronic system and became addicted to the ability of checking something off my list and knowing it would just come back around when I told it to. I didn't have to spend brain power on remembering what I had skipped or feeling guilty because I checked something off without really doing it. I knew I had finally found an organizing system that worked for me, that kept track of all the "stuff" for me, and that could be rearranged or dropped without hassle or much thought. I felt so grateful for the journey of realizing that my plans and goals weren't the problem - the problem was that I just didn't know how to put it all together in a way that worked for me. I expect there will be more growing and learning. I expect to have to change parts of my system for different times in my life. But never again will I have to reinvent the wheel or feel crazy for desiring a life where I can reach my goals and strive to be the best me God wants me to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment