Survival Mode

I was recently asked what a person can do when things seem to be falling on your shoulders and you are always the one picking up the pieces. How do we change our attitudes and our feelings about all that is required of us and find joy in the things that are often boring, hard, and definitely unappreciated, at least in an expressed way? 

I want to share two stories:

My husband is wonderful. He is good and kind and devoted. He is a wonderful father and husband. He is helpful and caring and notices when I have too much on my shoulders and things are overwhelming. 

But it didn't always appear to me to be so. 

When we were first married, I was the main breadwinner and while we were both going to school and working, I worked more hours. During one semester my husband would leave very early in the morning and be home and done with most everything for the day around 2pm. I worked from home at the time and would need to continue to work and complete school assignments while he was just "hanging out", doing whatever he liked. This would not have been a big deal, except I had been using my mornings to do things like clean the bathroom and wash the laundry and by the time he got home, I was frustrated about his carefree nature and I felt things were unbalanced in his favor. One day I was folding clothes on the bed and asked if he would please help me. He looked a little surprised and said, "Sure. I never thought about it." I was shocked, but we had only been married a few months and I didn't want to upset the honeymoon. I did decide to start asking for help, however. 

After the birth of our 3rd child, I was hit with postpartum depression. Hit hard. I felt like I would never be happy or balanced again and I cried all the time. I had a big responsibility at our church and three little children, ages 5, 2 and 0. I had a husband who I wanted to connect with and a home and garden. I was not stressed however, as I became listless and uninterested in many things and simply couldn't be bothered. This was a very trying time for our family and I wondered how my husband and I would ever be able to have a real marriage and relationship again. 

It was during this time of trying to get better emotionally that I started asking for help. It was one thing to ask for help when things were rolling along - it seemed to be few and far between. But asking for help day after day from my husband who went to work and then came home to surprises of all kinds was hard for me. He never knew if he'd be making dinner, cleaning the house or find me in the closet, sobbing in a pile, which meant he'd just hold me for minutes or hours. It was always a surprise and it was always different and stressful. I had worked to find balance and order in my life and now this depression was taking over and destroying everything. 

As I got help and began to take an interest in life again, I still didn't feel like our family was complete. This scared me. I wondered if I would have to accept the family we had because I was too scared to go through that again. There came a day when I couldn't bear the thought of not having just one more baby and I started talking about it to my poor husband every day. Every day. Can you imagine? Hormones and babies sure do funny things to women sometimes! 

After six months we found ourselves talking about having one more baby. From the moment I got pregnant, my husband was wonderful. Now, he had always stepped up and helped out when he noticed things needed his help, but this was entirely different. He was actively finding time for me to have a nap on the weekends; he helped with every meal that he was home for and he often just started cooking; he took on more responsibilities around the home and with the children. If someone needed a bath, he was often the one giving that bath. He encouraged me to take time for myself and to leave the house once in a while at night. He was a completely different husband and person. Week after week and month after month he amazed me. I would find myself wondering if this would continue after the baby was born, after the baby was walking and after the baby was no longer a baby. But I was much too much afraid to break the bubble of help and concern I found myself in and just tried to enjoy it. 

But guess what? That bubble didn't burst. Things kept getting better and I relaxed into the feeling of knowing that I wouldn't have to go through another round of postpartum depression by myself. I had a husband who was a partner and he wasn't going to let things pile up around me while I drown in the midst of adding one more little person to our family. 

That last little baby is over three years old now. My incredibly helpful and caring husband never left. About two months ago I finally got up the courage to ask him what happened to make such a dramatic and positive difference. His answer? "Well, you needed me and you told me you needed me. I knew what to do and where to start because you had a system. It was easy to know that I might have to fold laundry on Monday, but I also might need to help with groceries on Wednesday."

He knew the plan. He knew where things went and he knew what needed to get done to keep the household moving along. There was no confusion and no unstated expectations. My whole family knows what needs done on any given day and they know that when those things are done, we are free. 

Voicing my need for help and having a routine and plan already in place means no guess work for my husband, my children, or my own brain. It just is and it works!

To those who feel they are often thrown a survival mode day or often working on things well past the time anyone else is up or cares to help out, there is hope. Set up a schedule, a routine, and do not let anything stand in the way of that routine. Follow it day in and day out. Post your routine and schedule, start talking about your day in the terms of focus for the day. For example, "it's going to be a busy errand day tomorrow" or "I love the feeling at the end of cleaning day". You will teach your children over and over through your talk that there is a focus for each day, you have a plan, and that having a plan brings more time to spend with them and gives everyone more time to do what they truly want to each day. 

My husband was always willing to help, but as school and work responsibilities shifted, he was able to know right where to jump in because the purpose of each day was clear. Ask for help. Ask for help from your children who can always do more than we think they can. Ask for help from those around you and when those survival mode days come up don't throw out the whole system. Make a conscience choice about what can be moved to another day and then push through and do what truly needs to be done. You will feel better and know that you are setting yourself up for success for the days and weeks to come.